Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Bachelor: So Easy a Caveman Can Do It - Episode 1

I have a confession to make.  I love the Bachelor.  It is simply the best comedy on TV.  It is the one show that I openly laugh out loud to.  I have to admit that going in to this season I'm worried.  After coming off a string of unbelievable Bachelor and Bachelorette masterpieces, Ashley as the Bachelorette was the worst season in my recent memory.  To top that off, they have picked someone that I just find down right boring to be the Bachelor.  With all that said, Ben just has to be tolerable and let the ladies do all the work.

In case you are wondering what I am calling the Bachelor/Bachelorette masterpieces, here is a quick rundown:
1.  Brad Womack's first season.  I thought he was going to pass out.  What a phenomenal ending.  To pick no one at the end of a season was new, fresh, and controversial.
2.  DeAnna picking Jesse.  The moment that guy got out of the limo with the paint splattered tuxedo, I said out loud.  This guy has no chance, but the Terminator (DeAnna's nickname for having a manly voice) picked him anyhow.  It was also the season that DeAnna let Jason Mesnick get down on his knee before stopping him.
3.  Mesnick's switcheroo.  C'mon.  A season where he picks one girl and then dumps her on live TV to start a relationship with the runner up.  How great is that.  Beyond that, how about that the he and the runner up are one of the few still standing bachelor couples.
4.  Jillian's season.  Ed goes home with a few guys to go.  Comes back and wins her heart.
5.  Jake picks Vienna.  Vienna!  Crazy eyes and all.  How fake was Jake?  How crazy was Vienna?  On the wings of love this season soared.
6.  Ali's season.  Probably my favorite Bachelorette season and one of the few times that someone I thought would win actually did.
7.  Bachelor Mulligan:  Womack is back.

Enough of this.  It is on.

Boring Ben is Back
  1. Recap of last season.  Ben is boring.  Ben is in love.  He walks up to Ashley and she kisses him.  This has got to be a sure sign she is picking him.  She lets him get down on his knee, take a deep breath and say "Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?"  I think I counted to 10 before she made him stand up.  Wow.  Wow.  It was fantastic
    1. And then the most obvious response ever....."Wow, I didn't see that one coming"
    2. I love that Ben doesn't take it well.  Good for him.  I remember watching this last season and thnking that it was the first time that I actually liked him.
    3. Ashley says "You are the most interesting, smart, funny..."  Ben isn't looking for the sugarcoat treatment here.
      1. What movie did he get this line from, he had to have thought this up as a just in case response.  "Good things don't end unless they end badly"
        1. I disagree.  When you win the Super Bowl it's the end of the season and it ended well.  Just saying, but my guess is that he didn't steal that line from a sports movie.
  2. We learn Ben has no regrets and then we get a blast from the past - a shot straight out of the opening scene of Full House.  The Golden Gate bridge.  Where is Danny Tanner?
    1. Ben wears tight jeans and plain t-shirts.  My count is 7 plain t-shirts and 1 tank top that he stole from Jeff on Big Brother.
    2. Ben's father passed away and (this is not trying to be a rude comment) I'm putting the over under at 77 times that we hear about it this season
    3. OMG - they have a piano outside at the vineyard and Ben can play.  I mean really play.
    4. Not only did he steal Jeff's tank top, he stole Jake's two flannels.  Way to pull them out of the reality TV woredrobe.
  3. Enter one of my favorite TV personalities ever - Chris Harrison
    1. Is it just me or is Chris Harrison look younger every year?
      1. Possible solutions
        1. Botox
        2. Fountain of Youth
        3. Benjamin Button disease
    2. We learn that Ben's last name sounds like Flanik, so the j in Flajnik is silent
  4. A look at the women - I'm guessing the ones we see are important down the road or at least for tonight.
    1. Lindzi -C.  She says 26, but her number says 27.  I'm excited that she has a last initial.  I love having more than one girl with the same name.  Horses have taught her to get back in the saddle.
      1. Greatest story ever.  Babe, welcome to Dumpsville....population you.  I really wish we got to meet the guy that sent that.
        1. I'm still laughing.
      2. She is tired of "horsing around".  Love it.
    2. Amber T.  - She says she is 28 and her number says 29.  What's the deal?  Also, another last initial.
      1. She's kind of scary.
      2. Important notes.
        1. Was eating dirt at 5.
        2. Wants to take Ben to hometown for deer steaks and beef nuts.
          1. Beef nuts are cow balls.
      3. C'mon.  That is embarrasing.  How'd she talk her dad into eating cow testicles on TV.
        1. I'm limiting my jokes on this topic because my mom (and possibly grandmas) could be reading this blog.
  5. Kacie B. 24.  I'm starting to think they are putting everyone's last initial.  I'm a bit disappointed.
    1. Most important thing to note is that she pulls a Taylor Swift
      1. Yes, I'm talking about the heart thing she does
  6. Courtney 28.  No last initial.  My hopes are up.
    1. She a model, but not noticeably (in the looks department), but noticeably in the attitude
    2. She is competitive & superficial
      1. Make note, she is probably not here for the right reasons
  7. Jamie 25 Register Nurse.
    1. I think she might have went tanning.
    2. I like her for two reasons
      1. Nurse in labor and delivery and maternity
        1. If you don't know, a good labor and delivery nurse can really be a big time blessing.
          1. Of course with baby 3 on the way, I'm hoping for a good one again.
      2. Her circumstances - getting custody of her siblings.  Big time respect there.
        1. She says she is "no hero", but she is.
  8. Lyndsie J. 29 - Our first duplicate name.  I'm way pumped.
    1. How about neither Lindsay is spelled anything like I would have guessed.  I mean, it would have probably taken me about 40 guesses to get both spellings correct.
    2. Diplomat's daughter has lived in lots of countries
      1. Loved the video of her in the outfits from different countries
        1. "Look at these guns of mine"
  9. Jenna 27 - Free Lance Writer, but listed as blogger
    1. Wait - I can get paid for this?  Anybody care to help me with that.  I could do this as a profession!
    2. Blog called "The Overanalyst" - I like it.
  10. Shawn 28 - Financial Advisor
    1. She's got a cute kid.
      1. He's a lefty - she should be teaching him to pitch and not hit.  Lefties are always in demand in the pros.
  11. Nikki 26 - Texas girl.  Dental Hygentist.
    1. She has crazy eyes.
    2. She's divorced.
  12. On to the mansion and Ben.
    1. Getting dressed
    2. Walking beside a pool.
    3. Random hummingbird shot
  13. Chris is back and taking Ben inside to chat.
    1. Ben says boring stuff.
    2. Chris asks if Ben has ever heard of Benjamin Button.
    3. Ben's haircut drives me nuts.
      1. I haven't seen anyone part there hear like that since about 9th grade - my buddy T used to rock that style.
    4. Chris asks if Ben feels his father will be with him through all of this.
      1. My immediate response is that Chris Lambton (of previous bachelor fame) thinks he should watch for him in rainbows.
      2. Ben believes its a sign when he sees hummingbirds
        1. Explains the previous randomness of the hummingbird
        2. Honestly, I'm giggling about this.
  14. Let's meet the ladies in the limos.  I'm excited.  Ben's excited.  Chris seems excited.  Let the journey begin.
    1. I'm going to give quick assessments of each lady after the "first impression".  In means rose tonight, out means no rose.
      1. Rachel 27.  Uhm, in.  She says Ben seems "sincere, nice, honest"
        1. She forgot boring
        2. Her middle name is Rose.  I like that.  Nice touch.
      2. Erika 23.  Law Student.  In.
        1. He's guilty of being sexy (gives him the guns)
      3. Amber B. 23.  Amber Bacon - the Baconator.  In.
        1. She is Canadian.  She loves that her last name is Bacon
      4. Elyse. 24.  Personal Trainer.  Out - she may beat him up.
        1. Gonna make him sweat a little.
      5. Jenna - the blogger.  27.  In.
        1. Uh, kinda awkward.  Uhm,  silence.
        2. What do you get when you get two boring people together.
          1. Silence
        3. She misquotes him.  She must have seen a different movie.
        4. Quick shot in the house - the girls seem to be getting along and then Jenna walks in.
          1. She overanlayzes and seems to kill the mood in the room.
      6. Courtney 28 - Model - In
        1. Probably will be the funniest Ben is all year - "Come here often?" - "Yeah I've been here before"
          1. Loves his hair - Really?  C'mon.
      7. Emily 27 - PhD Student - In
        1. First kiss of the show goes to....Emily.  Hand sanitizer and breath spray.  Nice touch.  Unique intro.
        2. I'll pick her as the winner.
      8. Samantha 26 - out.
        1. Two notes.
          1. Pageant Sash - Cracks me up.  Love it.  Who does that?
          2. She gets the first high five of the season.  You go girl.
      9. Casey S. 26 - out
        1. Tall and she is wearing two dresses - one is super short and the other is see through.
      10. Amber T. 29 - In.
        1. I do like the second trip around.  In case you don't believe in love at first sight.
          1. Don't fall for it Ben - her Dad eats cow nuts.
      11. Holly - 34 - Out.
        1. Is that a typo - 34 - that can't be right.  I don't think I have ever seen anyone on the Bachelor older than me.
          1. Am I just getting really old?
            1. No way, 34 is old for a woman on this show. 
        2. From Kentucky - that hat is just awkward.
      12. Jamie 25 - In
        1. Ben's a hugger
        2. Ben is loving the brunettes.  Is it too late to take back my call of a winner?  She was blonde I think.
      13. Shira - uh, no age.  Out.
        1. I think she might be strung out.
        2. I find her creepy.
      14. Blakeley 34 - Out
        1. 34 really - what the heck?  How old is Ben?
      15. Grandma introducing Brittney 26 - In
        1. Sheryl 72 - Love the intro - unique earns you bonus points in my book
        2. She can't get the boot after he met Grandma
        3. Ben and I have something in common - We both love Grandmas
        4. Note to my Mom and Mother-in-Law:
          1. If you take my girls on a show like this, we may not talk for a few days.
            1. I know you have both watched the show and I think you understand why.
        5. Another shot back inside.  The girls are hating on Granny
          1. Amber B was funny
            1. "Smelled a lot like Grandma"
            2. Next time....(all with motions)
              1. Sash
              2. Hat
              3. Grandma (including a puppet motion)
            3. The Baconator just made a fan
      16. Nicki - Miss Crazy Eyes - Out
        1. If he doesn't boot her he is nuts
        2. Her eyes freak me out
      17. Dianna 30 - "loved the pose" - Out
        1. Forgot what she was going to say.
      18. Jennifer 28 - Out
        1. Is her hair dyed?  I'm confused by it.  It's bad.
        2. 54 dresses and that is what you settled on?
      19. Lyndsie J. - In
        1. Calls herself a dork and reads a poem...
          1. that includes "her butt-chin dimple"
            1. Wow
      20. Anna 25 - In
        1. Walks right by him.  Interesting, but I like that as well.
        2. Ben states it has got to be some sort of first
          1. Lots of those tonight for me - I'm digging this so far
      21. Monica 33 - Out
        1. What the heck - 3 girls over 30!  This is crazy.
        2. I just had to look it up.  Ben is 28.  I'm shocked that more than 5 girls are over 25 let alone 3 over 30.  Wow.
      22. Jacyln 27 - Out
      23. Shawn 28 Out
        1. We met her earlier.  She forgot her dress straps.
        2. She also patted his arm like she was his buddy.
      24. Kacie - In
        1. No sugarcoating for her.
      25. Lindzie - In
        1. Riding on a horse
        2. Ben has "never dismounted anyone off a horse before"
        3. Ben says "save the best for last"
        4. The girls hate Lindzie for riding a horse in
          1. This is going to be phenomenal.
          2. Crazy eyes Nicki is a little tipsy already
            1. Wait, I can't tell.  Is she drunk or crazy?
  15. Meanwhile, Back at the mansion
    1. Everyone discussing Ben
      1. How come no one says Ben is.....Boring
      2. Grandma wishes she was 30 years younger
        1. In her dreams, try 50 Gram
    2. Ben made a funny - "It almost worked for me"
    3. Nicki's eyes are popping out at me
      1. I'm so glad my TV is not in 3D.
    4. Do the ladies really like that hair cut
      1. I'm so confused
      2. Are they all being sarcastic or not?
      3. Megan once said that he looks like the Geico Caveman and I can't get that image out of my head
        1. Hence where the blog title comes from
    5. Rachel tells him she quit her job.  She is staying.
    6. Ben describes Nicki as "nicely bubbly"
      1. When she described him she forgets boring
      2. When he described her he forgot crazy
    7. On to Lindzi.
      1. She asks him to "tell her what he was thinking" about her entering on a horse.
        1. His response is "I heard horse hooves"
          1. Nice answer bud.
      2. She tried to make wine with store bought grapes.  Nice.
      3. He seems into her.
    8. Is that girl going to take off her hat?
    9. Girls are still killing Brittney for bringing Granny
      1. Don't talk mean about the grandparents.  Karma ladies.
      2. She mentions maybe seeing him next time at "my granddaugher's wedding"
      3. Granny starts to tear up in the limo.  It must be something about the limo, people are always crying in there
    10. That girl is still wearing her sash.  Awesomeness.
    11. His hair is so horrible.
      1. Do these girls really like it?
      2. Does anyone reading the blog like it?
        1. Is anyone reading the blog?
      3. With a little extra hair would he look like the Geico Caveman?
    12. First impression rose is out.
    13. She takes her hat off!  It's about time.  Ben tries it on.  Oh no!  Don't mess up the hair.
    14. Shawn takes him out for some soccer and I like it.
      1. She plays in heels
      2. Ben was state champion in 2001.  Nice
    15. Blakeley has a Caseyish tatoo
      1. It has a heart and the key to it on her inner forearm.
      2. Wow and love it.
        1. Guard and protect time baby.
    16. Elyse is going to knock someone out before the nights over.
      1. She seems like a brute for a lady.
    17. Dianna is going to blindfold Ben and feed him candy.
      1. Crazy Nicki says it's not ok.
      2. Amber is not happy about this.
        1. We all know what she wants to put in his mouth.
    18. Emily is shocked by the competition
      1. She is rapping.
      2. I'm laughing
      3. She just rhymed epidemioligist (no idea how to spell it)
        1. I'm impressed and a little embarrased for her.
      4. Ben liked it.
    19. The model girl says "I'm here for you"
      1. I yell "Liar"
    20. Again she says "You have great hair"
      1. I yell "Liar"
    21. Jenna is coming across as crazy as Nicki
      1. She is trying to boot some blonde girl sitting beside her. (Her name is Monica)
        1. It's awkward.
        2. Monica whispers that "I don't like her" when she is still pretty close by
    22. Now Monica is hitting on Blakeley
      1. Again its awkard.  I'm getting confused.  I'm pretty sure we are heading for another first.
        1. She's going to kiss her.
        2. I'm pretty sure her parents just called off work for the rest of the week.
          1. Imagine her dad going to work tomorrow and his coworkers saying "I saw your daughter on TV last night"
    23. Jenna is crazy - like really crazy.  Another girl is calling her sensitive, but I think she is just being nice.
      1. The hand motions are awkward.
      2. It's making some people (Rachel) uncomfortable
        1. She makes Jenna and Monica talk and it surprisingly does not go well.
      3. I think Jenna needs to go home.  She may have a mental breakdown at some point during this season.  Wait until she gets to go on a 2 on 1 date.
      4. Ben walks in on her crying.....
        1. And doesn't realize she is nuts
  16. First impression rose - horse girl
    1. It was like a reverse fairy tale.  The princess riding in on a horse.
  17. One of my favorite moments of the show - Chris comes in and dings the glass - Rose Ceremony Time
    1. First rose - Jamie - Superhero Mom/Sister - right
    2. Rachel - the mediator - Right
    3. Blakeley - Wrong.  Uhm, Ben, I think she might be into chicks and she is 34.  Two strikes.
    4. Emily - the germaphobe.  Right.  This is my picked winner.
    5. Kacie B.  - Right.  I like her.  I'll take her to the top 5.
    6. Casey S. - Wrong
    7. Britney - Right.   You knew she was getting this with Granny in tow for this show.
    8. Erica - Wrong - Uh, who is that?
    9. Shawn - The mom - Wrong
    10. Nicki - Miss Crazy Eyes divorcee.  Wrong.  What is he thinking.
    11. Jennifer - Wrong.  Her hair is dyed right?  I don't get it.  What color is that?
    12. Elyse - Wrong. Personal trainer.  She didn't punch anyone tonight.  Good.
    13. Samantha - Wrong - Sash girl.  She tries to take the rose.
    14. Courtney - Right - Model - Someone will eventually expose her for not being there for the right reasons.
    15. Jacyln - Wrong - Is he serious?  She was on my for sure boot list.
    16. Monica - Wrong - C'mon seriously?  She likes chicks.  I'm so baffled.
    17. Jenna - Right.  Who didn't see that one coming?
    18. I think I only got about 1/2 of the girls right.  Bad picking by me.
  18. He's booting a lot of chicks I thought would make it.
    1. Amber Bacon - She accepts defeat well.
    2. Lyndsie J. - She accepts defeat well too.  Butt chin and all.
    3. Miss cow testicles is gone.  Thank goodness.
      1. There is some embarrassing first night crying.
  19. This season on the Bachelor.
    1. Some amazing sites
    2. Lots of Kacie B. in previews
    3. A mystery girl - maybe an ex-girlfriend.  I love it.
    4. The model - no one likes her.
      1. Getting the "not here for the right reason" talk
        1. Called it.
      2. Also - skinny dipping in the ocean
    5. Jamie is going to have a breakdown
    6. Lots of crying and possibly a medical emergency at a rose ceremony.
    7. Some hot tub - wouldn't be The Bachelor without it.
  20. I'm excited for the season.
    1. My calls for final five are:
      1. Emily - the germophobe
      2. Kacie B. - I just think she seemed nice
      3. Courtney - We all know the girl that no one likes makes it a long way
      4. Jamie - hero mom/sister
      5. Lindzi - the equestrian.  First impression rose is going to get her far

1 comment:

  1. Oh man Nater Thoughts are back! I'm so excited!! Ben was definitely the worst Bachelor choice they've made in a long time. Everyone wanted Ames to be the Bachelor. He even dumped Jackie Gordon from Brad's season to make himself available for the role. ABC is so dense sometimes. On the bright side though, I'm sure there will be PLENTY for you to make fun of this season with Boring Ben coming to us each and every Monday night for the next few months. Cheers to the New Year and new seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. :)